It reminds me of the wind.
Sometimes you can see a storm brewing in the distance. You know that high winds are on their way. You have time to prepare, to brace yourself for the force coming at you. Other times strong gusts appear as if from nowhere. Their strength almost knocking you down.
Then there is grief like a subtle breeze. It grazes your shoulders and whispers in your ear, a gentle reminder that something outside of you is stirring something within you.
It's been five months since my dad passed away.
Though I'm comforted knowing my earthly father is at peace in the presence of his Heavenly One, still...
I haven't much liked this journey of grief.
Haven't liked the days when the ache of loss is wind pushing at my back. When grief is the driving force in my heart and mind. Nor have I enjoyed when it comes at me like a blustery headwind, making it hard to take even one small step toward healing. And the days and weeks with seemingly no wind at all feel like a welcomed reprieve...until a whirly, twirly tornado darts in from my blind spot carrying the force of all the unspoken memories and unexpressed emotions of those quiet, windless days.
* * *
Sometimes I feel like grieving is a foreign language I'm suddenly expected to know. But instead of being fluent I'm stumbling to eek out an intelligible groan. I wish I knew more about grieving.
But I do know a few more things about the wind.
Wind is not always destructive. Its power can be productive, harnessed for helpfulness as by the beautiful sail of a boat on the open sea.
Wind can be cleansing. It can push out pollutants, leaving a clear sky and fresh, breathable, life-giving air.
Wind can be refreshing. The kiss of a cool breeze is renewing relief when the sun's scorching rays reach down for you.
Yes, grief is very much like the wind.
I don't fully understand where it comes from or where it leads. Why or how it can take so many forms. I don't know what course it will take or what purpose it will have on a given day. Don't always know how to prepare for it or find joy in it or be moved by it.
But I know it's Maker. I know Him, and I trust Him.
This picture reminds me of the beauty and chaos and peace and movement that comes with the wind.
I'm asking God that my grief would be the same.
4 comments:
Beautiful. I love your description of your experience and your unwavering trust in the Lord! May He meet you every time the wind or the breeze comes your way.
I know this week has been hard. I am just glad that I get to be there with you in this journey. Hang in there friend.
Becky, very well spoken and I love the analogy. I want to add that sometimes wind is very destructive too. It comes on full force with all its powers to be and knocks down everything in its path. It hurts and is hard to breath after seeing and feeling the destruction. In the middle of the storm it seems like its every man for himself and all you can do is hang on and ride it out just to survive, only hoping that when the storm passes something somewhere will still be grounded that you can gravitate towards as renewed strength to move on to rebuild after having your life flattened to the ground. However, destruction and detriment are natural disasters as a result of the wind which God created. Feelings of loneliness and uncertainty are normal reactions to a natural disaster, but I can assure you that as the dust settles and you gain sight of what is grounded around you, if you continue to move towards those that are grounded they will rise up and meet you to help you rebuild your life one stone at a time until one day you can look back and see your new life surviving and thriving, although altered in it's appearance as it is not the same as it was before and never will be for a storm always leaves permanent damage. The good news is that although altered you will find that the momentos you decorate your home with bring more comforting memories then sad and you will have an opportunity to tell your children about all the great things about Grandpa, which will bring a smile to your face and warmth in your heart that will overpower the longing to cry and will be replaced with a yearning to one day see him again in Heaven.
You never cease to amaze me with your way with words Becky. This is so well said. I could feel the pain and ache with you.
You attentiveness to your heart is a blessing to others as well.
I love you.
-E
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