The homemade wholewheat and oatmeal chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast—erased.
The living room fort you built, the sprawled-out jigsaw puzzles you guided, the choo choo train you constructed—voided.
The way you kept your cool when you discovered the four year old had stolen gum out of your purse and distributed the sweet and sticky treats to his brothers—undone.
The wrestling and cuddling, the singing silly songs while dancing delirium until little boys wrapped round your waist squealed in delight, the lunch making and floor sweeping and diaper changing, the giving children quiet playtime so they could see you quiet your soul to commune with your Savior—ever feel like ALL of it was negated by one negative moment?
If you have, you're not alone.
Because today, that's how I feel.
I feel like it was all for nothing because in one moment where the baby was screaming because I wouldn't let him stand on the arm of the couch and his biggest brother was sulking over not being allowed to watch another show and then the middle one tried to pick up the screaming baby around the neck and he wouldn't release his headlock vice grip when I sternly instructed him to LET GO, in that one moment, I lost it.
The yell vibrated from my belly and the anger shot fiery darts from my eyes and I put the child with the big deer eyes roughly on the couch and told him over and over how bad and dangerous and mean that was until hot tears were pouring down his satin pillow cheeks all flushed with shame and fear.
And then I cried, too.
Cried I'm sorry, please forgive me.
Cried it to my son. Cried it to the Son.
Elias wouldn't let go of his brother quickly enough. And I was too quick to let go of my God.
...Recently I wrote about grace. How all the sweet and meaningful blessings that fill up our days are God's sweet grace in our lives. But the thing is, grace is not just about the blessings. It's also about the belonging.
Grace is God never letting go.
I felt like all the good and fun, precious and purposeful moments in my day were wiped away by one moment of rage.
But thankfully how I feel isn't always what is true.
Because the truth is, what's really been wiped away is my sin. And He remembers it no more.