Today could be the big day. The day I give birth to my second son. The day my little family of three becomes four.
I am so excited to meet this whirly, twirly, kicking machine who's been growing inside me these past 38 weeks. I can't wait to look into his little eyes, caress his little cheeks, let him wrap his tiny hand around my finger. Welcoming baby Elias is a blessing we've been praying for, preparing for, and waiting for.
So, why I am resisting?
Last night as I was rocking and singing to Noah during his bedtime routine, I burst into tears. The thought that this could be my last night with only Noah to soak up my love and attention overwhelmed me. I've had almost 19 months with my little buddy and now everything is about to change.
Of course, in my head I know that all the joys and blessings, love and laughter Chris and I have experienced being Noah's parents will only multiply with the addition of Eli to our family. I know that it will be an incredible journey coming to know this new little person and seeing Noah become a big brother. There is much to look forward to. And I am genuinely excited.
But I have always had a hard time with change. Even good change. I like to know what to expect. Probably because when I can anticipate circumstances I feel like I can control the outcome. But here I am again on the edge of a big uncharted sea...mothering a toddler AND a newborn! (Not unknown territory to mankind, I understand...but still a scary adventure for me.)
Had only I prepared more! Had only I made time to reread the parenting and breastfeeding and baby care books I poured over when I was pregnant with Noah. Will I remember what to do? Had only I organized my underwear drawer and hand-mopped the floors and scrubbed the refrigerator shelves. Wouldn't I feel so much better going into today?
Yes, I'm sure I'll remember how to care for my new baby. No, I'm pretty sure had I done all those things my mind would just be on the other dozens of items on my never-ending list of to-dos.
So, what now? I don't know for sure if Elias will make is big debut today. But I do know that I need to turn to my loving God and ask Him to take care of me. Really, that's what I need to do every day.
With God's tender guidance I know I can lean into this season of change. I will endure the hard moments and savor the sweet ones. I will trust that He knows what I need, what my husband needs, and what BOTH of my sons need. And He will be faithful to the end.