I wish joy wasn't so hard to fight for. I wish it didn't slip through my fingers just when I thought it was finally tight within my grasp. I wish once I found it, claimed it, lived it, chose it, believed in it, embraced it, and savored every tiny bit of it that it would stay that way forever.
But joy isn't a one time then forever kind of thing. It's an every day, moment by moment, in this very minute will I see it and be changed by it mystery reality.
It was absent when I woke this morning to the middle boy slamming his bedroom door which woke the baby and roused the stirring but quiet older brother. And I didn't choose joy when I thought about the hot and humid, long and longer day ahead without Daddy home to help entertain and discipline and be with to make it through.
So I guess I'm glad I'm not stuck in one joyful or joyless state. Because I always want the chance for more. To be more fully full of joy!
And there was joy to be found this morning. Joy for Donut Man's rainbow sprinkles sugar-stuck to happy lips and tall glasses of icy milk. Joy for boys bantering with sweet and silly voices. Joy for brothers sharing an under-mommy's-desk fort. Joy for having a mostly-uninterrupted phone call with my sister while boys ran backyard wild. Joy for sagging surfboard swim trunks and tiny buns peaking through to summer sun. Joy for three happy, healthy sons, even when their shrieking screams and whiniest wines make me almost come undone.
There is always joy to be found. Joy to choose.
But the secret is in the keeping on and keeping on and continuing to count the blessings big and small as grace gifts from the Savior's heart to mine. And if I keep on seeing, choosing, counting then surely joy will tower over the mounds of pain. Surely joy will surmount the mountains of struggle and trial.
Surely the joy beauty will shine through all the muck.
For me. For you. For us all.